Now I Really Know

Her name is Cluadia.
Shes Italian.
Scicilian to be exact.
Shes pretty. Has cool style and plays the piano.
She says Im cuter than Elvis and that I remind her of Xena.
She sat next to me durring a movie and I just sat there.
Knowing that she wanted me.
She was waiting for me to touch her.
She made her hands available for holding.
Her legs were close enough to rest my hand on.
Her head was leaning to the side and sometimes resting on my shoulder.

I just smiled.
It was sweet, but really all I wanted was you.
I sat there, texting you.
Missing you.
Thinking about how I wish you were there with me.
How we listened to our Life Soundtracks on the record player.
I remember the light from outside peeking in thru the generic white blinds, shining on your face making it look like your eyes twinkling in candle light. You were so beautiful. Sitting there with your knees to your chest. Looking at me. You were just waiting for me. Waiting for me to take you. To love you. And I did. I really did. Everytime.

I just missed you.
I guess now I really know.
Really.
Really.
I know how much I love you.

Your name is Sylvia.
You are a Californian.
Long Beach one day, hopefully.
You are gorgeous. Mysterious. Sexy and sweet.
You've got amazing style, smarts and talents in so many different areas.
You make me melt with the way you look at me.
You say you love me and want me and need me. And I know you mean it.
I want you next to me.
I want to hold your hand.
I want you.
No one else.

I guess now I really know.
Really.
Really.
I know how much I love you.

Lets take a drive

Tonight, lets take a drive.
You can be the DJ and I will be your chauffeur.
We'll let the music steer us into the desert night.

Your window is down.
Your arms are folded and your head rests while you look up into the sky.
You're counting the stars.
I'm counting on you.

You always make the heat rise as the sun sets.

'Cause the times they are a changing....

Change.
- new apartment
- new views
- new love
- new freedom

Excitment.
- independence
- love
- adventure
- amazing passion
- more love

Im feeling pretty horrible lately for not having the guilt/sorrow I feel like I should have over the change thats happening. It's sad to seperate myself from people. Its hardest for me to seperate myself from the dreams and hopes I had for my future, but I know things will turn out for the best. I've done the right thing and I dont have any qualms about it.

It breaks my heart to see her cry. Shes so sad. So broken over this and I feel like such a huge jerk. But I know the worst thing I could do to her is let it go on, and I just couldnt do it anymore.
I wish I knew how to deal with it all emotionally instead of just holding it all inside. I feel like I might blow at any moment, except I know I wont. If I blow its because of the sadness that I feel for completely different things happening in my life. Not for the obvious.

Saturday 7pm ...okay now 9

Its hot. My shirts off.
Simon and Garfunkel are spinning round and round as i finish a bottle of wine.

Today I woke up to beautiful woman lying next to me.
And it wasn't a dream. A hearty breakfast and a drive back to long beach where we spent most of the day driving around making phone calls to different apartment prospects. Nothing great so far. But its still early...?

Being alone is dangerous for me.
I think too much. Well, I finally actually think about stuff.
And Im not used to that.
Its hard to take it all in, whats happening, whats going to be and the unknown of future months/years. I've always managed to do alright, so im not too worried.

There is a lot to consider like which books are mine, my music, towels, family pictures that have been integrated. Thinking about it, between the bills, the house, our cars our friends...everything has been integrated. Segregation is tough to do after everything has been co-mingling for so long. People seem to be the toughest part right now.

I miss Sylvia.
Everyday I spent with her is like the getting the biggest present under the xmas tree. When its hot its like fire and when its cool its just so sweet. Its nice to finally feel inspired again.

I'm currently watching bits of no country for old men. ITs pretty interesting.
cant manage to keep my concentration.

Benny called.
He was going to come over, but his duties as a dog owner keep calling.
We just spoke on the phone for like 10 minutes, possibly our longest phone convo ever.

I'm sure if I will be able to sleep tonight.
It's been hard lately.
I'm seriously ranting. Its the only way I can think right now.
OMG I want a cigarette so bad! But I know I shouldn't smoke.

But then again, I shouldn't do alot of things.

I'm sad because I don't feel sad about much of anything.
I feel guilty for not feeling guilty....so really i DO feel guilty, but just not for what I should feel it for.

I should really get on the ball with the correct emotions at the right times. I laugh when people cry cause i get nervous. I cry during tv commercials but not when people die. I think my settings have been configured incorrectly sometimes. Maybe Im broken. Maybe thats what keeps me entertaining? Or completely miserable.
fuck it.

Un-happy fathers day

I feel like I am obligated to say- "Happy Father's Day" to my dad. But Why?
He doesn't deserve it cause he is a lousy father. Why should I congratulate him on a job poorly done? I didn't get any gift cards for not graduating college.

I was at target on Saturday as everyone huddled around the greeting card section labeled "FATHER". I looked for the "ASSHOLE" section but found nothing, at least I tried.

I didn't call.
I didn't write.
I didn't send a card.
I didn't pass a message thru my sister.
I didn't think I would ever not care so much.

Dear Dan,

Un-Happy Fathers Day!!
It's June 15th and you're probably wondering if you'll hear from me...don't hold your breath.
Lets take a minute to look back at the last 27 years of you being my dad!!!

Years 0-13
Amazing. You raised me right, made me feel special and taught me many great lessons and habits.


Year 13
Jessica was gone to college and mom was out with me at a Saturday basketball tournament. We came home and thought we had been robbed- everything was gone. The TV, the couches even our fridge. You left mom and took all of our stuff.


Year 14
Mom moved out and you moved back in to the house. I moved in with you back into my old bedroom and even though I was too young to work, you fixed my birth certificate to say I was a year older. You charged me $150 a month rent and made me pay for all of my own food/living expenses. This was in exchange for the lack of parenting allowing me to get into as much trouble as possible.

Year 15

After finding condoms and cigarettes in my room you kicked me out. I went to live with Mom again who was having a mental breakdown. Thanks alot. You stopped paying child support and alimony to mom and we all had to go to court. I remember being in the downtown LA courthouse waiting room and I saw you there. I hadn't seen you for months and I walked up to you and said hi. Your lawyer cut me off and said that "Mr Parkhurst has no comment". I turned away so you didn't see my eyes fill up with tears and I walked back to the other seating area.

Year 16

I tried 4 new drugs this year. You installed a CD player in my 1972 Chevy Nova for my birthday. Your new wife was sending dildos to my mother in the mail. I moved about 6 times this year and I slept in my car for about 2 months.

Year 17

I told you I was gay and you said "obviously". We didnt talk much about it after that. I got kicked out of moms house for the last time, she changed the locks. You said you didnt have the patience for me anymore and kicked me out too. I dropped out of high school, lived in Bakersfield part time and worked 3 jobs.

Year 18-22

We didnt talk at all. I got a xmas card from your wife of you, her and my ex-best friend (new wife's daughter) all in white button up shirts on the beach with your shoes off. It was the most annoying and disgusting picture i ever saw. You sent me a picture of your new family. Minus me. Minus my sister. Minus my mother. I threw it away.

Year 23

You sent me a birthday card with a $10 starbucks gift card - in august. (my birthday is actually july 1st...not august 1st) It was in your wife's handwriting. I almost fell out of my chair that you actually sent me something and made the effort to be in contact with me.

Year 24-26

We emailed, you'd say something like- You never write. And I'd reply with -Neither do you. This continued for a while and I finally said something that made you feel guilty enough to come visit me at my house. I told you "did you realize you have never once visited me?". Guilt is a family value.

Year 27.....

Im not sure what its going to be like this year. I know that any relationship I have with you, its never going to be what I want it to be. I just need to accept that this is the way things are and that you're not the person that I wish you still could be for me. I love you still. I think about you every day and even tho things have been tough, I still learned alot of lessons from you. Hopefully I can be a better parent one day. I would never forgive myself if I ever treated my children this way.

I remember...

My First Cigarette
Some fellow freshmen had found a pack of marlboro reds and we knew instantly that we all needed to learn how to smoke immediately, we didnt want to be wasteful afterall. I had previous smoking experience with my famous paper towel rolled up with actual lawn grass in it. I still cough from that. Or my adventures in the shopping mall finding half smoked virginia slims in the ash tray and trying to bring them back to life. I had always wanted to smoke. Ever since my first pack of bubble gum smokes from the ice cream man. I digress... We went to "The Ditch" which was on the side of the school deep in a ravine type setting covered with tall trees and srubbs to hide behind. We sparked it, pass the cigarette around to the left and I remember watching my friend turn green. He had to sit down. We all coughed and gagged holding it in our mouths and not really inhailing. It was quite disgusting if I remember correctly. I scored a pack the next day, but dont worry- they were lights.

Sitting in a Park
I wrapped my arms around you as I sat and you sprawled across the bench we sat on. Your hair smelled so good. It was soft and brushing against my face as we chatted. At first I wanted to push you on the swings, but then i decided I've have a better view on the other side of you.

A Harley Ride to Disneyland
The strongest man alive once picked me up from school and we drove to Disneyland on his Harley Davidson Softail 98 special motorcycle. It had the saddle bags that I picked out with him when he bought it. We ate at the Blue Bayou and your lady friend who worked there and got us in for free and gave us front of the line passes. It was one of my favorite days. Looking back, I realize now that the lady was likely one of your many girlfriends behind my mothers back. You told me not to tell. I didnt.

Smoking in the Rain.
We were at a bar, you wore white and I drank white Russians. I was so nervous that I stood in the rain to smoke, trying to calm my nerves. I noticed every time you touched me. Every smile you gave me. I finally had the guts to put my arm around you by the 2ND band.

My First-First Time
I cant even fathom the notion of any 13 year old today doing what I did as a 13 year old then. It was the summer before my first year of high school and I was re-united from a few kids from the previous middle school at summer school math class. Josh. ha. I will always laugh when I think of him, he was sweet. We walked to the YMCA after class and sat in a park behind the building near a gathering of trees. We discussed the idea of having sex. It seemed like a good choice so we went for it. "It", of course, was short lived and completely stupid leaving us both wondering why/how/WTF. He contacted me a couple years ago on myspace and I laughed again. How things have changed since that hot summer day...

Driving
You sat in the passenger seat with your legs crossed as we listened to This Mess We're In. I specifically recall connecting from the 710 to the 5 freeway because the car turning made you slide over closer to me. "I dream of making love to you now, baby" the lyric blared and I couldn't help but wonder what you were thinking.


My First-Second Time
The new AOL chat room phenominon allowed those who hadnt really come out in the outside to be as gay as possible under a sirname. Mine was MADDONACRZY...it makes me laugh now.
I had boyfriends abounding, but something just wasnt right in the romance department. I met a girl, a punker chick, who just happened to also be my age, be into girls and convieniently enough live in my same area. I ditched school, drove my 1972 chevy Nova to her house and picked her up. We went back to my place, watched a movie and made out. It was AMAZING. We went upstairs and I proceeded to completely convinced that THIS is what I had been missing. I was so happy. I finally knew who I was and needed to be in the world.

Standing alone in the club
I was watching you dance with some boy and I became ferociously jealous that it wasn't me you were draped all over. I stepped in and you quickly made everyone else in the room disappear. The music thumped and you turned your back to me, sliding your hand up my neck as I stood behind you trying not to convulse. I grabbed your hips and played with your jeans and under ware with my index fingers. We swayed together and I had to stop myself from kissing your neck.

Dont shoot!

lets make love.